Has this ever happened to you; The one that you gave your heart to drags you through the mud? They cut you down and put you through the wringer and pull out every tactic they can think of to make you feel so low that you just feel worst than dirt? Maybe it goes further than that and they acutally put their hands on you. Then later they comeback with a few sweet words and an apology, promising they would never do anything to hurt you again? And because they seem so sincere, and because they are trying to be a better person, and because we might have been in the wrong in what we said or did, we take that apology and hold onto it for dear life, hoping and believing that things will actually be different? That just maybe this was it? We would finally reconcile so that healing could begin?
I know it has happened to me.
For too long, I allowed my heart to melt everytime I heard him say "I'm sorry". I quickly ate up his apology. Whether it was our cancelled dates or promises that he did not keep, I took whatever words of kindness that I could get. But I knew better. I knew that he would not improve at keeping his word and I knew that he would flake when it came time to do what we planned for our family. So why on earth did I think it would be different with the abuse?
How could I have possibly thought that after how-many-times of the verbal, emotional, mental and finally physical attacks on my person, he would finally see the light and all the damage this was causing someone he claimed to love? After all the chaos and a few nights spent away with the baby at my parents' or friend's place, sometimes I would get what seemed like an apology but other times, I was met with more or less blame.
I was told that I did not love him or understand him enough. I was told that I was causing trouble with my nagging, tone of voice and body language in general. I was irrational, irritating and illogical. Whether I was quiet, loud, stern or tearful when I confronted him about something, I was perceived as overreacting and everything was my fault. Even when he would initially start off with an apology, he would find a way to turn it back to what I did that "caused" him to react this way.
He just had to make me see that I was the underlying problem of it all. "The root" as he so eloquently put it. I had to be held responsible for my actions...which ultimately meant I had to be responsible for his actions as well; seeing that I am "the root" or whatnot. If I could come to understand this, all would be well with our family and he would not have to suffer as much as I made him. See?
So where did this leave him? I mean, how can one truly be apologetic without owning up and taking full responsibility for what they did? In short, they can't.
In order for someone to exhibit true repentance, they must not only be willing to take responsibility for their actions, but also accept the results of said actions. And when the perpetrator has an excuse, reason, alibi or what other fancy name you want to call it to accompany their "apology", they don't mean it. Even if they do not appear to be playing the blame game, if they are unwilling to accept the consequences of their actions and have a hissy fit, they are not for real.
Now if they are willing to take responsibility along with the results, that is all fine and dandy; but know this, if there is no commitment to changing their behavior and the way they treat you, then it is not worth it. That is a wolf in sheep's clothing and you don't have time for that. Sorry alone isn't going to cut it.
Don't Fall For It,